“सफला, आज आगो बनाउनु पर्छ जस्तो छ”
“गैस्यो त मकर लेराइस्यो तल बाट”
(मकर हो कि के भन्छ आगो बनाउने भांडोलाई)
म मकर लेराउँछु भर्र्याङ्मा दौडिदै गएर
एकछिन मै कौसी उज्यलो हुन्छ
“भयो ?”
“ह्वर ह्वर बलेको आगो खोठामा लाने होइन नि ।
ढुङ्री ले फुकेर रापिलो बनाउनु पर्छ अनि मात्र लाने हो,
राप मात्र हुँदा”
“म गरुम ?”
“आज हेर्स्यो भोली देखी गर्सेला”
“हस्”
“ए यो पनि यही रयिछे”
“आगोमा चल्लनु हुन्न है,(मुस्कुराउँदै) बेलुका ओछ्यानमा सु आउला”
She goes to bed at 10 pm thinking that she shall get that 10 hours sleep after all, but her mind is wild awake. Turning right, turning left, hugging her pillow, squeezing her head in between the pillows, again turning right, turning left, getting a book to read, being irritated by the book after reading two pages, again right-left, her mind screaming, what the hell is going on? She looks at the clock and it is 12 am. She checks her phone, and you know, rest is history.
One after another the videos keep playing. Good, bad, funny, serious, informative, useless, calm, distressful, love, hate, and all the emotions that played inside her mind like a never-ending cassette is now playing in front of her eyes. Which one is better? She does not know. After one more hour of contemplation and reflection of what she had planned and what had happened, she arduously lifts herself out of the situation, scribbles about it, or does something about it. She hopes for the next sun rise to enlighten her confused mind.
-AP
I look at myself this standing flesh like every other
Some days thats all I am and all want to be
But, there are other days when my conscience is bothered
Where in my body that ought to be
The wound on my leg
I can heal it with an ointment
But this agitation that resides somewhere inside of me
I don’t seem to find any solution
May be the problem is in the search of solution
As that defines my situation as a problem
So, what can I do with this knowledge of myself?
Rather than supressing it and being in an illusion
I want to write in this quite night so I can sleep tight without any thoughts in my mind. Yet this exam night is taking away my words. I guess that is fine because this is my choice. To be here and to do what I am doing. I have numbers and chemical process in my head. If math and science were people I’d ask them to give equation of my life. The tragectory with minimum discrepancy. But life is like a chaos theory, where a small decision made somewhere in the world or an event that might have happend somewhere will slowly affect my life and has the potential to change my life. I kind of know what I will apporximately do everyday, but to have zero randomness is quite impossible. Cheers to this randomness.
-A
I see the old pictures
The fun time we spent together
They are all gone
And I am not saying I need you or I want you
Yet, I cannot fathom what set us apart
I want to apologise even for the mistakes I didn’t make
Just for the laughter that I can have with you again
I felt like we were friends for life
But our friendship was uncertain like life
My mind tells me that the person in the image in not her
And tells me the person in the image is not me
“Yet I feel close to both of them”
I can’t even tell you I miss you
Because that would be shame
I would be called weak and without self-respect
But I know I was friends with you just for being friends
Spend time with you just for spending time with you
And loved you just for loving you
It was not the aim to fulfill something I lacked
But soley to have a friend
Do you feel this way?
~A
To die a little is to live because all we do is die a little every day. Anything we do in life is to feel alive, to tell ourselves that we are not dying. To tell ourselves that we can manage to live another day. To ask ourselves to be hopeful once more. Some of us don’t think about dying. We completely avoid the topic of dying which I think is just another way to feel alive. Finally, the happiness comes at the end of the day when we lay in our beds or wherever and thank ourselves that we have manage to survive another day. We have managed to nudge the ball again. We have managed to feed ourselves a little, breathe a little, work a little, and be hopeful a little, for another tough day because being alive is hard. To assign a meaning to each day we live is harder and furthermore to welcome the instability and hardship of life is the hardest.
Over the summer while I was working on my resume and applying for jobs, I noticed that it will be good for me to have experience using python.
Fast forward yesterday when I came outside to eat my lauch, I was exhauseted because none of the programmes I have tried worked. Coding can be draining and it tests my patience. I was eating my launch and staring around me. It was noon and I could still see the moon. There are a lot of plants where I stay and eat my launch. I guess the blue sky, greenry, and nothingness over the horizion made me realize how my wishes have come true. I was indeed doing a project where I had to code in python. I was using raspberry pi and I was learning new things everyday. I got this gust of joy as soon as I realized that. Often I forget what I have wished for in the past because in the present I am wishing something else for the future. I forget to realize that slowly but surely I am getting everything I wanted and the things happening in the present is all that I have wished for in the past. However, in the present seems hard, insufficent, and frustrating when we get there even if it was something that we have wished for in the past. All of a sudden all my frustration went away and I had a huge smile on my face. So all I could say is thank you I don’t know to whom or what, but thank you for this life where I get the opportunity to learn new things everyday.
She stand here just to fall someday
She rises and grows
Everytime she does,
She is a little more wiser and still
She knows it all
The loudness and joy of child’s birth
The solitude and sorrow of death
And a brief state of bewilderment that connects them both
Generation passed
Eras ended
She still stands
As upright as she can
As strong as she can
Her eternal loyalty to the ground
I asked here and there. Totally unrelated, may be they saw me walking. Why will they see me? I am not around anymore. I am dead like a flower which has been just broken off from its branch and is in the hand of man who thinks giving a dead flower to a woman is going to impress her. I am dead yet I think, but my thoughts don’t matter anymore. Do my thoughts ever die? Where are the dead thoughts? What are the dead thoughts? Thoughts that nobody has ever heard, has never been spoken, has never been seen, has never been felt, and has never been thought of. How the hell do I know? I don’t even know when my friends leave me and when I am too much for them. May be because of my behavior of not caring enough and making fun of myself is what people hate and they drift far from me. That was a joke, see thats why people hate you. Hate is such a strong word I don’t know like it and I don’t even use it, but I did there before. I mean I am dead so why do my thoughts matter. Therefore, I can say anything I want and it will be nobody’s business because I am already dead. I don’t affect the life of anyone so who cares? So I asked here and there to make sure that I was dead so that I can say anything I want and whatever the hell is in my heart and brain. The funny thing is that nobody can hear and see me so I didn’t get any answers to my question so I guess I must be dead. I mean I even saw Freddrie Mercury dancing at the last block who was dead when I was alive so I must be dead. I am glad that I got that out of the way. Now I can say whatever the hell it is in my heart and brain.
उडी रहने चरा
कहिले बादल माथी
त कहिले बादल तल
कहिले चर्को घाममा
त कहिले झम्झम दर्किएको वर्षा
कहिले रतको अंधकारमा
त कहिले दिनको आंखा खाने उज्यालो
त्यै पनि उडीरहन्छ चरा
आफ्नो गन्तव्यलाई साँची
यही थाहा पाउन कि फेरी
उसले अर्को गन्तव्य साँच्नु पर्छ
अर्को आकांक्षा बोक्नु पर्छ
अर्को उडान भर्नु पर्छ
उडी रहनु पर्छ
souvenir 