Tears falling down your cheek From a heart wrenched with anxiety Happiness is momentarily I am typing on my laptop till eternity
A ick in stomach I feel sometimes You are long for gone But your memories are mine
Another day I wake up Romanticizing life, but In the traffic I have to stay Listening “Violent Crimes”
It is not all bad, they say My dear someday I too will forget your name If life ends in old age, we shall be lucky Until then, lets not take it too seriously of this funny little game?
Million mistakes I have made Even in days with open eyes Wrong I have been of things I was certain of It be like that, repeated slogan, an ending line
Somedays are joyful, somedays pain everywhere
“this was written november 18, 2025. this might sound too sad, but I think poetry/art/ creation comes from a place of willingness to keep going, despite everything. I have turned 27 recenlty. It was weird to even say that. I hope to keep writing and keep experiencing and keep creating. What else one can do? “
I have be ripped into pieces and you ask me what bad you have done?
I have started in the path of healing and you You come to etch my wound again and again
I don’t know what you are doing is right or wrong or what I am doing is right or wrong?
But what I know is my heart which feels like has been shattered into pieces and is now leaking a potent smell making my world bitter As you ask what you have done?
I don’t have an answer For all I ever know that I have been betrayed by my own expectation. Expectation of respect, kindness, time, and maybe even love.
Love is weird like that when you have a crush, it is like flying among the prettiest cloud no expectation from the other person, it is chill But when you tell them, you start expecting things from them You probably tell yourself that you will not have any expectation, but you know in your heart that you are dying to hear from them. I wonder if it is even possible to love unconditionally. I used to think I loved unconditionally, but when you feel like you are not wanted, or more so you feel like you have become chore in someone’s life it is time to dip I guess. I always think respect is more important than love. But what the hell do I know?
To be honest, I wanted to write about how the world in doing, but I have written about the bitterness of my life. I miss writing. I tried to sit down and write about my end of a relationship before, but it stirred such bitterness in me that I couldn’t deal with it. It has been a little more than a year. The bitterness is not for the other person, it is within me. I am not sure why, maybe it will be over with time. Don’t worry, I don’t let minor bitterness, kill the kindness in me hahaha.
Please forgive my way of writing, some spellings might even be wrong.
School is done for now, phD? I don’t kn0w. Maybe, but why, and what? I don’t know what to study.
got a job, very thankful for that. Trying to keep it interesting and keep learning.
Love life you ask me. End of a tragic situationship, still trying to wrap my head around it.
Extraciricular, Poetry and writing, working on a movie, I don’t know. I have lost touch with something since six seven months or so.
Body movement, trying to do that more.
There is agony to do more in life, the need to be more for myself and make it purposeful.
Materialistic needs are easy, maybe a house, but other than that what. Travel a little.
Solitude and existing in me life and the world is somewhat difficult in times. But I guess that is okay.
The other day I was sleeping and suddenly I realized I get to sleep in quiet and sound environment where I don’t have to worry about a bomb being dropped near me or on me. There are people who can’t have that. Life is precious and it is privilege. Is it all luck? Why am I here and in this family and why are some people there. They deserve all the things I deserve, but they don’t have the access.
As the brightness of the daylight decreases
The blinding white of the sun, walking towards the horizon, turns yellow, maybe orange, or maybe both.
The sky above turns more blue.
You might as well think that it is the best day of your life.
Maybe there is nothing as beautiful as the sunset at the beach.
She said, “you have not seen sunrise on the mountains.”
As the sun pierces through the dense cloud and fall of the snowy mountain
Plating it gold
I don’t know
Right now sunset at the beach is the best
…
LOL
Before when I decide to write, my mind would be in good state for the words to flow. I don’t know what is happening. Anyways, I will keep trying for now.
For now checklist have to do.
Hope life is going okay ЁЯЩВ
p.s. trying to memorize names of all the countries. 174 for now. why? i don’t know. wasting time. I ask myself that.
“…That’s the way everyday goes Every time we’ve no control If the sky is pink and white If the ground is black and yellow…” [1]
yelling through the speaker, I thought How I dislike being stuck in traffic Hundreds of cars in front of me and behind me, journeying to their beloved destinations?
A car sweeps beside me.
Where are we headed, What is the rush? What if all the cars stop working all at once?
How I wished my car could just grow a pair of wings, rise above the traffic and fly.
My mind saying, ” рдЬрддрд┐ рднрдПрдирд┐ рд╣реБрджреИрди “
Rummaging through the crap in my head, I caught a glimpse of her through the rear view mirror
Joyfully nodding her head, waving her hands, and lip syncing, maybe to her favorite song?
Her perfectly manicured nails with soft pink tint, elegantly rested on the steering wheel, simultaneously captured my eyes.
My nails I thought, Damn!, my dry and bloody cuticles, desperately begging me to leave them alone.
When I was devoured by the agony of not being able to complete my thesis I decided to start a another blog name atwentyfiveyearold with a tagline a chaotic mind presented elegently. Me trying to fix my thesis writing problem by writing more nonsense. Damn, was a ambitious? Now I am going to share my posts from that blog here, it is not too long believe you me. It is so funny.
First Post | 03.12.24
I am a 25 year old human. That is the only label I tend to give to myself everything else I don’t know if it matters. Maybe as the time passes. I don’t know. A little about me, I am graduate student (masters) student living in united states. I am doing my master’s in electrical engineering, but my master thesis has gone more into mechanical engineering also. I think all my frustration started there in life somewhat I don’t know. I don’t know who can figure that out. So I have completed all my classes and was supposed to finish my master’s by June of 2023, but I am still working on it. Today I spent all day laying in a mattress in my friends living room. The cause to that for now I’ll just say laziness. It is easier to say that. Well doesn’t matter. The point is I love life. No matter what. And right now I don’t like how my life is going. I really don’t. Yes, I know it will get better, but things doesn’t happen just by saying it. Some people think that I am still doing okay, but I know myself and I know my mental health right now it is shit. I don’t blame them I don’t fucking share anything unless I am in a deep shit. One thing I have realized that I am someone who needs satisfaction from my work. Whatever the work might be, maybe engineering, maybe art, or gardening. Things that gives me purpose to live everyday. I am good at relaxing and just enjoying the passage of time, but enjoying the passage of time becomes almost impossible when you have all these unfinished business on your shoulder.
Why I am writing this? I am writing this for myself to make myself a joke for my future self. I know I am going to laugh about this someday. Who knows? My psychological shortcomings. I have a job interview tomorrow that I have not prepared for it so I have to do that. What can one do when they know something and all the perspective in life changes? Maybe start a blog? haha I don’t know.
And as Truman would say, “In case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.”
PS:
тЬ┐ This blog will never be monetize. It is truly dedicated to me, my fellow humans, departed and yet to be born, and this nature. It might have ads now, but I will get the ad free ones once I get a job. lol
тЬ┐ Don’t expect perfect grammar. I mean I don’t need any responsibility from this. I am not here to fucking inspire anyone. I can barely inspire myself. But I will try to be honest as possible, but my human nature of hiding things come into play then you know I will try to hide behind some metaphors or something.
тЬ┐ Please be kind and respectful towards other people’s opinions. Just because this is an online platform and nobody can see you, don’t say stuff without thinking about others. You can tell about yourself, that’s okay, but not about others. Maybe Socratic method? I don’t know. I try not to be offended by everything people say, I mean most of the time it is projection of their own being, doesn’t have to do anything with me. Other times, someone might tell me I am being dumb about something and damn, are they right. So it is a complicated position to be.
That’s it for now! Take care р╝ШтЛЖЁЯМ╖ЁЯлзЁЯТнтВК╦Ър╖Ж
The above picture will be the logo of this blog lol. I know it is cringe, but than so is life.
Second Post | 03.14.24
Today was a relatively good day I’d say, although it took me a tremendous effort to get out of my bed. I was awake early, but you know finding motivation to do things when you are having a hard time can be tough. Anyways, I was at the library almost all day working on my thesis of course. I’d say I am done with the finalizing my codes for my theoretical part. Now I just have to analyze the results I get from the calculation, then put them on my thesis, then neat up my thesis and damn, I will do done. I can’t wait really. I am tired of this shit and there is no one to blame, but me. Oh well, you know minor lapse in judgement and decision making can happen in life. The point is to keep going and keep working like today, tomorrow also. I had good decent food today and the weather was beautiful where I was. I took a little walk also and saw some beautiful spring colors. I don’t have much to say really. I enjoy my solitude. I feel like I worry to much. Sometimes one just has to say well this was bound to happen, and I did my best and I am not worrying about it. Why worry so much, I mean I could be dead any moment? I feel like sometimes I am as small as a tiny red ant that could die any moment. Oh my, I thought ants only live for couple of days, boy was I wrong? (you can learn stuff about red ants here.)
Oh yes, my job interview went okay, I think. I hope I get the job. I still have one more interview for the same position. I was so nervous to start the conversation initially, but I think I kind of got the hang of it, by like 10 mins in. I will share the details of the interview later because I kind feel motivated to work on my thesis right now.
I hope you had a good day as well. Reading my blog is probably a waste of your time and cringe most of the time, but than I think so is life. Who said we have to always be productive? Waste time a little! Look at the sky! Stare at the flowers! Joke around, you know politely. I don’t know. Just something different and weird.
I have been listening to тАЬTo Late to Say GoodbyeтАЭ by Cage The Elephant and how beautiful is that song? Rock & Roll is one of few things in life that I fell in love with without anyone’s influence. I still remember the day; it was Queen’s live aid concert that blew my mind. All of a sudden, I felt like I want to start a rock band. I don’t remember how I landed there, but it had to be through Ravi Shankar. Ravi Shankar’s sitar led me to George Harrison, and Beatles led to me Queen’s live aid performance. I was so sad when I found out that Freddie Mercury had passed away. The next thing I saw/heard was the audience singing Bohemian Rhapsody before Green Day concert. The door to Rock & Roll was open. I am obsessed.
There is gazillion things to do, gazillion things to be fascinated by, therefore I need to finish my thesis soon.
Alright take care, bye now, bye!
Third Post | 03.15.26
You are staying at the library and you have a thesis to finish, job interview to prep for and you start thinking of drawing, you start thinking of the poem you wrote that has not been typed it. You realize you are 25, you are engineering student, and your mind wonders and you ask yourself again and again, what the hell am I doing? I don’t know. It is so hard to stay focus, but at the same time have you ever wonder if the task that you need to focus and have to focus is your way of distracting yourself from the other stuff that might potentially happen to you? I don’t know sometime I feel like I use my study as the source of distracting myself from other things in life.
And they are pain in life. A weird kind of pain and you are not even sure if it is real and you think you have lived with the pain so long without sharing with anyone, it feels as though the pain is not a pain anymore. Telling to others might only seem as an excuse or a means to pity yourself. Or I don’t know, but sometimes you feel it crippling inside of you, creating a kind of chilly wave inside of your body, and it comes out of your eyes. A non-stop flow, who do you tell or what do you want at those moments. Nothing. Maybe silence. Solitude. Time to tell yourself that you’ll live, you have lived. You’ll forget. You had forgotten. And it is just a cycle that come in your life that you have learned to live with in solitude. That’s why I think an alone space of human, their solitude, their memories, their experience, their life, is a universe in itself that no other being can fathom. May you be the best self that you can possibly be, may you keep living, may you learn to raise yourself, may you learn to truly love yourself, not a fancy selfcare type of love, love all you wounds, love the child in you and the old person you’ll be. Love the you that wasn’t born, love the you that will surely die, and love the you that will disappear into this nothingness of everything.
Anyways, today was a okay day! Thank you ЁЯЩВ
Take care, bye now.
ps: I am happy that I showed up here three days in a row. I want to keep writing, keep creating, keeping thinking, and living till the day I die. I don’t know, maybe this all seems superficial. I don’t know, we will find out some day.
Fourteenth Post | 03.26.24
I am not kidding that fourteenth spelling looks wrong, but whatever.
Hi everyone, yes I will talk as if the whole world is listening to me. hehe. Today is the fourteenth post if I had committed to coming back here everyday, but a twenty-five-year-old person might be well aware that, procrastination is at peak when you are 25 and on top of that you have a pending thesis dancing over your head. I know know there are other gazillion problems in this world and my unfinished thesis is not a big deal. I am well aware of that too, but this whole thing started with my thesis so I donтАЩt know. I donтАЩt know what the fuck I am saying.
09.24.21 тАУ 03.23.24: I have seem my lowest point maybe. I have
Damn I have no energy to complete this. Bye
Today would have been Fifty-second post…
I don’t think I can call myself a writer, but I like writing. I used to write everyday before, but the amount of words I wrote on a daily basis had dropped significanlty when I started having trouble with my thesis. I would take out my journal to scribble, but it was hard to put words to anything. A lot of time was spent staring outside the window, ceiling, paintings, just about anything held my attention other than my thesis. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I will write a different post about that. However, 312 days after my intented deadline I completed my thesis. It has been about a weeek and 2 days since I submitted my thesis. I don’t know if I am happy or relieved, but I feel something like I want to jump out of plane again or get a tattoo all over my body. Haha I don’t know. Since I have no obligations to any kind of deadlines I have become like a stray cat.
Alright now! I will get rid of my other blog and this will be my only website. Take care!
peace out
тЛЖя╜бя╛ЯтШБя╕Оя╜бтЛЖя╜б я╛ЯтШ╛ я╛Яя╜бтЛЖ
-A
p.s. I can’t master the usages of then and than. what the hell is that?
And one day, you’ll die, Away from grandiose of this world, you’ll fly. Nowhere to be found, Except in the memories of others, you lie.
Your body is transformed into ashes, Gulped by soil, now you are no greater than the grasses. Yet some parts of you linger, Amended into the cosmos where everything changes as time passes.
Maybe you have become the bark that covers the trees, On a hot day, you might come as a gentle breeze. Whatever the form, Part of this cosmos you’ll forever be.
All of this is a play on words, a means to solace to a weak mind. In some ways, I have chosen words to make me blind. Whatever it might mean, Maybe it is one of those things I will never find.
souvenir 