souvenir

  • 𝓁𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔

    i see light shining through the little space of the blinds
    closer and closer i get to the window the light gets dimmer
    dissolving into the darkness outside my window.
    quickly, i roll the stick to open the blinds
    desperately trying to catch the dissolving light.
    and all i see is the darkness of night.
    not a single source of light outside my window.
    pitch black, not even the moon and the stars
    i walk back to my bed and suddenly, i hear quarrels.
    every single person in the world complaining forming a sound
    like a sound formed in school classroom when the teacher goes out of the class for a few minutes.
    i hear people asking, do you have signal?
    i reach to the switch beside my bed
    no electricity
    i walk to my phone which i had thrown across the room
    no internet
    loud quarrel quiet
    my room surrounded with silence of dead zone.
    enervated, i sit down, tears running down my cheek
    tears of joy, a relief even for some hours
    pitch black, i lay on the ground like the world has stopped and has stopped just for me.
    no care, no thoughts, dead silence…

  • Bathroom Valentine

    I am madly in love again
    Smile, laughter, cry
    Which I can all do
    Spring
    This time
    This feeling
    Feeling of feeling
    This revolt that I have within me,
    against me, for me
    I am and everything is
    I am not how all this is nothing
    people, their smile through mask
    People I know, but also people I have not met and probably will never meet
    Cats, I have been having a love affair with cats nowadays
    Ideas that create somewhere
    Ideas that have courage to ignite awareness and change the world
    Suddenly I hear voices in my head
    They are calling me weird
    I am refusing to be my trueself
    And I stop and I lost
    Now I just love things approved to be loved by the world
    I have lost the revolt

  • space high

    i am among the trees today
    the air i am breathing is full of mist
    wet
    as if the oxygen itself is liquid here
    my eyes are green feels rough
    real
    i push the tree branches trying to clear my path
    they are all over me
    they are making every excuse to touch me
    did they miss me
    or did i miss them
    it doesn’t matter
    all the dew falling over my skin
    this place is taking over me
    it is winning me
    it is showing me its pride of winning
    show off
    making me joyous
    making me dance without any shame
    the wet soil in between my toes yet i feel like i am flying like a bird
    like the vibrant bird that just flew by me
    where are you going
    take me with you
    introduce me to your kids
    make me your family

    let me live here
    forever
    teach me to be strong like your trunks
    soft like your flowers
    light like your leaves
    teach me to be like you
    to let go how you let go your leaves when the time comes
    to welcome new bud as it comes
    make me a tree
    can i be a tree

    i am not sad
    i am looking inside
    inside honestly
    maybe the trueself
    can i even ever

    oh mother nature
    i feel like i can communicate with you
    feels like you can sense my presence

    slowly i am fading into this forest
    it feel like i live among these tress now
    i am home to the immigrant birds
    oh the beautiful hatchlings
    i shall babysit
    your mother is bringing food

    my ears ringing
    did the mother bird arrive?
    no
    my ears ringing
    oh stop
    the mist in the air is dissappering
    oh no the stale air
    did the mother bird arrive
    i have to babysit
    i can’t leave
    oh stop
    my ears ringing
    my ears ringing
    the dews left my skin

    my eyes are blasted with colors
    they are causing strain
    oh
    i am still on a tree but a different form
    she has lost her soul
    she is dead
    i am on top of her exactly like her
    do i feel her more
    or does she feel me more
    did i kill her

    i will always be among trees
    just different forms
    just alive or dead

    i am among trees today 

  • This mind (01)

    I guess my version of the great, “The Scream”

    Why ask? Why say? If the words are meant to be ingored.

    I am like government, for the people, by the people, not owned by anyone.

    A passing sign where some put flowers and where some choose to spit.

    Can’t close the all the mouths that choose to spit.

    I have two legs I guess I will move.

    Moving is what I suppose to be doing in the first place.

    But I am the worst traveler.

    Who cries before leaving every checkpoint.

    Who gets attached to guests who are never meant to stay.

    As the guests are traveler themselves

    All this is nothing, but a mind crap

    To which I separated 30 mins to squeeze out of my mind

    To unwind and feel fine.

    -A

  • time

    the trees are green
    the sky is blue
    we walked for so long
    but I am wearing a wrong shoe

    i have a blister
    yet I am enjoying this time with you

    -L & A

  • how everything goes in vain

    how quickly everything goes in vain
    the dreams we work towards
    the life we build
    the relationship we treasure
    the joy we share
    the knowledge we gain
    the experience we gather
    the unique stories we hold
    everything that means the world to us is lost instantaneously
    the smile disappears, friendship corrupt
    blinded by power and greed, driven by an illusion
    and it all too quickly goes in vain
    why is life worth it?
    for the hope that never dies?
    for true words that stand up and ignite awareness?
    for the enduring desire to be the change and keep living
    for friendship initiated solely to live together in harmony
    with all the mess that comes with being a human living in a society,
    not to repeat the same mistakes, but to make new mistakes
    and repeat the same?
    ask again, how everything goes in vain…

    –AP

  • कस्तो कस्तो यो जिन्दगी

    कस्तो कस्तो यो जिन्दगी

    आफ्नै बाटोमा हिड्दा हिड्दै हराएको जस्तो
    पूर्ण संवाद पनि अपुरो जस्तो
    हाँस्दा हाँस्दै आँसु झर्ने जस्तो

    बुझ्दा बुझ्दै नबुझिने जस्तो
    मिल्दा मिल्दै साथ छाडिने जस्तो
    सङ्गाल्दा सङ्गाल्दै चेट भएको चङ्गा जस्तो

    इच्छा र आशाले तानि रहेको जस्तो
    विकल्पहरूको सीमानामा उभिएको जस्तो
    छिन्-छिन्मा बद्लिने मौसम जस्तो ।

    अनिश्चितता छ त, बाँचिरएको जस्तो
    अन्योल मै अर्थ लुकेको जस्तो
    (के अरु केहि औचित्य छ ?)
    मुस्कुराउँदै हिडी रहुँ जस्तो

    मुस्कुराउँदै हिडी रहुँ जस्तो
    कस्तो कस्तो यो जिन्दगी…

    यो टाईप गर्दा गर्दै मलाई शंकर लामिछानेको निबन्ध ‘देउताको काम’ को अन्तिमका केहि सोच (वाक्यहरु) याद आए। –

    “यो सब भएन र पो !

    यो सब गरिन (वा गर्न सकिन !) र पो ।

    आज, वहियात कुराले पनि छुन्छ । अरुलाई गरिएको, अरुले जवफ दिएको प्रश्नोत्तरले पनि छुन्छ । र …।

    यसरी छोइने भएर नै आशा लाग्छ, स्पन्दन छ कता कता कता ! … कता कता केही धुकधुकी बाँकी छ सायद यही छ ‘देउताको काम’ हो कि म भित्र शेष रहन गएको ? जीवनप्रतिको सच्चा चाहनाको यो ढुकढुकी …। यसको जवाब भविष्यले सायद भन्ला …। “

    शंकर लामिछाने. 1967. एब्स्ट्रयाक्ट चिन्तन्: प्यज, देउताको काम

  • Soon forgotten

    Slowly, but surely everything will be forgotten, everything will get old, everything will change and that is one thing me is sure of.

    “It is just a matter of time”, the phrase that we all kind of know, but choose to forget.

    Life is a constant turmoil that never seems to stop, maybe for everyone. Sometimes the turmoil brings in something we like and sometimes it is treacherous and that is where I think forgetting becomes a sense of blessing.

    It amazes me how when doing some things we forget other things and when doing other things we forget some other things. They are not totally forgotten I guess, but just not of immediate importance. For example, when the first news of an international or national conflict comes out I am on top of the news. I keep up with everything and become as rational and educated about the topic as possible, but after a week or so I tend to move on. I want to be updated on the things happenning in the world, however the things in my immediate surrounding start gaining more power and they become more important to me. In a bigger picture what I am doing might not be as significant as the conflict or distress happenning somewhere in the world, but it has more immediate power over my life. Therefore, it amazes me how quickly we get past events and how without noticing we get used to hearing, seeing, and forgetting things when it doesn’t affect us directly. Maybe forgetting is important for an individuals sanity. I don’t know.

    I was browsing on the internet the other day and I came across news of an inhumane event. As soon as I read it, my whole body revolted. A sense of discomfort rose in every part of my body and my immediate thinking was what can I do about this? I paused for a moment and unfollowed the page. I am unsure of what I can do with that news other than being aware of it. How much of the world should one know about? I am also not sure if it was the right decision to unfollow such news, but I am scared to be normalized to such events. I am afraid of the day when information like such passes in front of me and I become less affected or completely unaffected by it. It will be like seeing another car on the highway. I want to keep the rebellious feeling that I get when I hear such news. I want to keep asking myself on what I can do, maybe not urgently, but progressively. Like once said by Andy Dufresne, “Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.”

  • Wednesday’s Madness

    it is one that risides deep within
    that rises to the surface or crawls in
    the creaking bones and non-stop raining
    my pillows wet and my sweaty skin
    i try to divert, but is me, my own jinn
    it covers me with thoughts that don’t exist
    the madness, the cry, the anxiousness, I can’t resist
    my trueself, still try to coexist
    get out of this room, it insists
    the blue sky, the tree, the fresh air, you just need to breath
    what is the point of this? What is the cause of this?
    I, my greatest obstruction, just let go, release
    oh my dear, slowly-slowly you will find peace
    the hardship, the responsibility, the act of being, face it with an ease
    find joy in the journey, as someday all of this will cease
    All of this will cease…

    -AP

  • The Magic Hour

    How can something be serene and scary at the same time? It is not the beauty of this time at that place that attracts me, rather the feeling of being in front of something that is truly more powerful than me. A place where I am a nothing but a microscopic part of a larger system. I wonder why these thoughts become prominent in places like such and not where I am as I am the same person travelling to those places? I am lazy to type the my side of thinking for now.