Hope you find something that will ignite the fire in you. A wildfire that no one can stop. It might be the smallest of the smallest things that only means to you, but if it has the ability to bring joy in your life without hurting anyone than it is a fire meant be ignited. I hope you give it all if it means so much to us. We say we want to help others, but the truth is we only help oursleves. When we help ourselves to make us satisfied or happy it is in that process we end up helping others. Although we might have the goal to help others, it is soley because it brings satisfaction to our lives. It makes us feel like our life is worth living and that we did something meaningful for this world. We all have our own struggles, our own thoughts, our own sufferings, and our own journeys in this world and you have too, so keep at it. Fail, but keep at it. Fail again, but keep at it because it is never over until it is over until the last breath you take. Cheers to this whatever you call it…
I was thinking about what my friend said, “Lol tara malai maatra ho ki” which roughly translates to “is it just me?” She was talking about how one of the books made her feel. Initially in my head I was thinking maybe it is not just her, but I did not say it as I was unsure of my answer. Later that question kept lingering in head with additional questions such as when we read a book do all of us take the book the same way? Do we all respond to the book the same way? This answer seems obvious now that every single reader perceives the book differently, but I was confused before, or I just cannot think over text. For example, when reading a so called “sad” book all readers might somewhat feel sad, but the sadness experienced by each reader will be different and different parts of the book might have played the role in making it sad for an individual reader. Sometimes when discussing a book with other readers we might find similarities in our experience with the book, but there will always be something unique to an individual. In addition, how often what we speak truly conveys our thoughts and emotions? So, my answer to my friend is that the things that the book made her feel is hers truly and is sacred to her. Nobody can ever exactly feel the same way that the book made her feel and O how precious that is!
Someday we will have long chats over a tea or coffee and have a relaxing time. Although I know my friends, I feel like I have missed a huge part of their life and they have missed mine, but we make the effort to be in each other’s life which I believe is what matters. We were girls when we last saw each other and we will be grown-up humans when we meet again with different experiences and lessons learned from life. It will be a good day!
केहि दिन अघि देखि यो लेख्न खोज्दै छु, दिमागमा प्रश्न खेलिरहेको छ तर लेखेका कुराहरुमा केहि मनलाई चित्त बुझ्दो आएन । उपन्यास लेखिएला त भनिहाले यस्तो छ हालत…. आज फेरी लेख्न बसें फेरी सोच्दै छु, किन एउटा व्यक्तिलाई कसैको याद आउँछ ?
के हामी याद बिना बाँच्न सक्छौँ ?
के यही यादहरु समाल्नका लागी हाम्रो मस्तिस्क छ?
र के त्यो नै हाम्रो दिमागको सबै भन्दा महत्त्वपूर्ण प्रयोजन हो ? मलाई थाहा छैन ।
लाग्थ्यो भोगेका कुराहरु फेरी मस्तिष्कमा आउनुलाई याद आउनु भनिन्छ तर बार बार मेरो मगज मलाई मैले नभोगेका र मेरो जिवनमा नभएको कुराहरु पनि याद दिलाउँछ । अझ भनुम् ति यादहरुमा रमाउने मौका दिन्छ । समय खर्च गर्ने अर्को बाटो थपिदिन्छ ।
वाह !! अहिले लेख्दा लेख्दै चक्षु खुल्यो !
के यि याद होईनन् चाहना हुन् ?
यि याद होईनन् चाहना हुन् ।
वाह ! चाहना बाट सिर्जना भएका कल्पना हुन् जुन यो मस्तिष्कमा बार बार आउँछन् र बास जमाउँछन् । यो कल्पना कहिले बुनियो यो त मलाई थाहा छैन तर लाग्छ सबै भन्दा अगाडी बुनिएको कल्पनालाई नै मस्तिष्क बार बार याद गरिरहन्छ । र हरेक यादमा नयाँ नयाँ बुंधाहरु जोडिन्छन् जस्तै जोडिन्छन् उमेर सँगसँगै जिवनमा अनुभवका नयाँ बुंधाहरु । त्यस माथि पनि एक व्यक्तिको याद आउनु जस्को हुनुको त केहि फन्को छैन तर कसो कसो आशा छ माया प्रेमको, अनन्त साथको, ख्यल ठट्टाको, उहि “सिग्निफिकेन्ट अदर” (Significant other) को । यो याद जसले मनमा खुल्दुली मच्याउँछ, मुहारमा मुस्कन लेराउँछ, कुनै पनि मौसमलाई चन्चल बनाउछ, यि यादहरुमा कतिको सत्य हुने सम्भावना छ त्यो कस्ले जानु मन-मस्तिष्क त कल्पनामै रमाउँछ ।
लौ ! व्याख्यात्मक टिप्पणी गर्ने साहस गरेको यो पनि कल्पनाकै खेलामा गएर अड्किन पुगेछ तर कल्पनलाई डोराउने चाहना हुन् र लाग्छ तेही इच्छा-आकांक्षा कै जगमा यादहरुको महल अडेको छ ।
अब चाहना के को राख्ने नराख्ने ? र के चाहना पुरै एक व्यक्तिको नियन्त्रणमा हुन्छ ? यो लाग्छ आफै मनन गर्ने कुराहरु हुन् । तर परिरहेको झरीमा अज्ञात सिग्निफिकेन्ट अदरको याद आउनु चाहनाको खेल नहोला म भन्न सक्दिन । पानी परेको बेला लाग्छ यो पुरै वातावरण नै रमान्चित हुन्छ यो मन किन पछी सर्थ्यो ? त्यसमाथि झरी हेर्दै, तातो तातो चिया पिउँदै, आफ्नो मन मिल्ने साथीसँग बात मार्न पाउनु त आहा ! स्वर्ग पुगेको भन्दा कम होइन ।
यो लेख खै के भयो तर लाग्छ यो मेरो धेरै वर्ष देखी अनुभव गर्न नपाएको नेपालको मनसुनलाई सम्झनाको पत्र भयो ।
ख्यल -ठट्टामा मेरो प्रिय पाठक बन्छु भन्नु भएको पाठकलाई मेरो धन्यवाद । कता-कता केहि मूर्त निर्माण गर्न प्रोत्साहान मिल्यो नत्र कहिलेकाहीँ यसता रमाइला चिन्तन पनि सोच मात्र भएर बिलाउँछन ।
I am so amazed by the nature of things. Right now I am home in the comfort of my bed trying to recover from covid. I was adamant on not getting covid a single time and getting over this time period, I guess it was not possible for me. Oh well, I guess loosing one story to tell my grandkids is not such a bad thing. I have million others. As for covid, I have pretty bad sore throat and eye ache, but thankfully nothing too serious.
Anyways, right now I am on my bed, almost all my head space is focused on my recovery. Today, if things had gone by the rule, I would have to submit a big report and give a presentation which I had not even completed 50%. Yep, that is right. I simply couldn’t get myself to complete that. My brain couldn’t think at all. Many days of few hours of sleep, no excercise, just work and work, my brain just isn’t meant for that. And once I see how this all was affecting my health I don’t care if it just one last assignement I just can’t perform. All this angst doubles when I am alone. Spending time alone has done great benefit for me, but being alone when not in well head space is the worst combination for me. Everytime I hung up my parents call, I cried. I simply couldn’t understand the cause of my situation to even tell my parents. There wasn’t a specific thing that was causing any pain nor anything super bad was happening to me. I was working, doing my school work, smiling, ocassionally laughing when with others, but my mind was chaos. The nerve in my brain boiling, my inner something trying to scream every second, I would sit down to work and every time I would find myself distracted, staring into nothingness, and some time later tears running down my cheek. I would have probably gotten over it if I could wail and burst into heavy tears, but I couldn’t so it could come every now and then. I would go out for walk, but it would hit me how I have so much work to do and that just caused more pain. I don’t know what was causing all that as I am still somewhat in ripple of those events, however I have come to the point where I can at least articulate that something was happening to me. I wouldn’t be able to type this if I hadn’t gotten chance to close my eyes without any regrets because of covid. I tried to write when I was in midst of tides, but I couldn’t think I was judging myself too much. I would write couple of words and scratch the paper and lay down. Covid has given me chance to pause from whatever I was going through and reorient myself. Having covid is not a good thing and I would rather not, but boy oh boy I am almost thankful for it as it has given me chance to pause, reorient, and restart. And slowly I will reach to the shore and hopefully I will also figure out what must have caused such angst in the first place or not. I don’t know.
After some usages, my mind becomes chaotic and every now and then I need to readjust and refoucs myself otherwise I almost forget who I am. I become the energy I have around me and not all the time the energy that is around me is good for me. I have run out of words to say for now, but I am truly thankful. I keep thanking, but sometimes I have no clue who I am thanking maybe thats why people say god, but I thank my parents, my sister, my friends, and everyone who have directly or indirectly impacted my life.
Time is a wheel that never stops, so as long as I have my time I will not stop. Huffing and puffing, the goal is to keep walking, I hope you will too.
laugh, love, respect, peace, and little scream of angst cause life is not easy…
Slowly, but surely everything will be forgotten, everything will get old, everything will change and that is one thing me is sure of.
“It is just a matter of time”, the phrase that we all kind of know, but choose to forget.
Life is a constant turmoil that never seems to stop, maybe for everyone. Sometimes the turmoil brings in something we like and sometimes it is treacherous and that is where I think forgetting becomes a sense of blessing.
It amazes me how when doing some things we forget other things and when doing other things we forget some other things. They are not totally forgotten I guess, but just not of immediate importance. For example, when the first news of an international or national conflict comes out I am on top of the news. I keep up with everything and become as rational and educated about the topic as possible, but after a week or so I tend to move on. I want to be updated on the things happenning in the world, however the things in my immediate surrounding start gaining more power and they become more important to me. In a bigger picture what I am doing might not be as significant as the conflict or distress happenning somewhere in the world, but it has more immediate power over my life. Therefore, it amazes me how quickly we get past events and how without noticing we get used to hearing, seeing, and forgetting things when it doesn’t affect us directly. Maybe forgetting is important for an individuals sanity. I don’t know.
I was browsing on the internet the other day and I came across news of an inhumane event. As soon as I read it, my whole body revolted. A sense of discomfort rose in every part of my body and my immediate thinking was what can I do about this? I paused for a moment and unfollowed the page. I am unsure of what I can do with that news other than being aware of it. How much of the world should one know about? I am also not sure if it was the right decision to unfollow such news, but I am scared to be normalized to such events. I am afraid of the day when information like such passes in front of me and I become less affected or completely unaffected by it. It will be like seeing another car on the highway. I want to keep the rebellious feeling that I get when I hear such news. I want to keep asking myself on what I can do, maybe not urgently, but progressively. Like once said by Andy Dufresne, “Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.”
She goes to bed at 10 pm thinking that she shall get that 10 hours sleep after all, but her mind is wild awake. Turning right, turning left, hugging her pillow, squeezing her head in between the pillows, again turning right, turning left, getting a book to read, being irritated by the book after reading two pages, again right-left, her mind screaming, what the hell is going on? She looks at the clock and it is 12 am. She checks her phone, and you know, rest is history.
One after another the videos keep playing. Good, bad, funny, serious, informative, useless, calm, distressful, love, hate, and all the emotions that played inside her mind like a never-ending cassette is now playing in front of her eyes. Which one is better? She does not know. After one more hour of contemplation and reflection of what she had planned and what had happened, she arduously lifts herself out of the situation, scribbles about it, or does something about it. She hopes for the next sun rise to enlighten her confused mind.
I want to write in this quite night so I can sleep tight without any thoughts in my mind. Yet this exam night is taking away my words. I guess that is fine because this is my choice. To be here and to do what I am doing. I have numbers and chemical process in my head. If math and science were people I’d ask them to give equation of my life. The tragectory with minimum discrepancy. But life is like a chaos theory, where a small decision made somewhere in the world or an event that might have happend somewhere will slowly affect my life and has the potential to change my life. I kind of know what I will apporximately do everyday, but to have zero randomness is quite impossible. Cheers to this randomness.
To die a little is to live because all we do is die a little every day. Anything we do in life is to feel alive, to tell ourselves that we are not dying. To tell ourselves that we can manage to live another day. To ask ourselves to be hopeful once more. Some of us don’t think about dying. We completely avoid the topic of dying which I think is just another way to feel alive. Finally, the happiness comes at the end of the day when we lay in our beds or wherever and thank ourselves that we have manage to survive another day. We have managed to nudge the ball again. We have managed to feed ourselves a little, breathe a little, work a little, and be hopeful a little, for another tough day because being alive is hard. To assign a meaning to each day we live is harder and furthermore to welcome the instability and hardship of life is the hardest.
Over the summer while I was working on my resume and applying for jobs, I noticed that it will be good for me to have experience using python.
Fast forward yesterday when I came outside to eat my lauch, I was exhauseted because none of the programmes I have tried worked. Coding can be draining and it tests my patience. I was eating my launch and staring around me. It was noon and I could still see the moon. There are a lot of plants where I stay and eat my launch. I guess the blue sky, greenry, and nothingness over the horizion made me realize how my wishes have come true. I was indeed doing a project where I had to code in python. I was using raspberry pi and I was learning new things everyday. I got this gust of joy as soon as I realized that. Often I forget what I have wished for in the past because in the present I am wishing something else for the future. I forget to realize that slowly but surely I am getting everything I wanted and the things happening in the present is all that I have wished for in the past. However, in the present seems hard, insufficent, and frustrating when we get there even if it was something that we have wished for in the past. All of a sudden all my frustration went away and I had a huge smile on my face. So all I could say is thank you I don’t know to whom or what, but thank you for this life where I get the opportunity to learn new things everyday.
I asked here and there. Totally unrelated, may be they saw me walking. Why will they see me? I am not around anymore. I am dead like a flower which has been just broken off from its branch and is in the hand of man who thinks giving a dead flower to a woman is going to impress her. I am dead yet I think, but my thoughts don’t matter anymore. Do my thoughts ever die? Where are the dead thoughts? What are the dead thoughts? Thoughts that nobody has ever heard, has never been spoken, has never been seen, has never been felt, and has never been thought of. How the hell do I know? I don’t even know when my friends leave me and when I am too much for them. May be because of my behavior of not caring enough and making fun of myself is what people hate and they drift far from me. That was a joke, see thats why people hate you. Hate is such a strong word I don’t know like it and I don’t even use it, but I did there before. I mean I am dead so why do my thoughts matter. Therefore, I can say anything I want and it will be nobody’s business because I am already dead. I don’t affect the life of anyone so who cares? So I asked here and there to make sure that I was dead so that I can say anything I want and whatever the hell is in my heart and brain. The funny thing is that nobody can hear and see me so I didn’t get any answers to my question so I guess I must be dead. I mean I even saw Freddrie Mercury dancing at the last block who was dead when I was alive so I must be dead. I am glad that I got that out of the way. Now I can say whatever the hell it is in my heart and brain.
souvenir 