Morning

It is a room with a large window, a brown sturdy table in the center, a gray and orange couch shoved on two side of the room. There are couple big paintings on the wall, and a whiteish gray rug almost covering the entire floor. It’s Saturday, Saayi is alseep on the couch with a dirty light blue rug covering almost 80% of her body. Her right leg on the ground and the other leg resting uncomfortably on the couch. She looks as if she had to squeez herself short to fit on the couch. Her long legs never hang from couches or chairs or benches unless they are abnormally tall. She takes a slight turn and tries to adjust her head on the cushion, but fails. Her head overflows from the couch and her right arm hangs down from her body and her fingers caressing the rug. Her eyes are shut, atleast she is trying to keep them shut, but her mind knows that it’s time to wake up.

The list of things she needs to do start flashing in her mind. School work. Research work. Paying work. Her professor. Her parents. Her dogs. All the emails she needs to send. Cooking food, doing groceries, going for a run, and all other things that demands some sort of mental or physical power, plays in her mind like a boringly long yet important power point slideshow. The brain works hard to come up with things to make one wake up. She takes another turn and pulls the blanket over her head which causes her feet to show. She feels the cold in her feet. She brings herself into the fetus position and wishes she never have to get out of her mother’s womb. She finds this weird and funny on how often she wishes she didn’t exist. Especially on a weekend. Immediately, she apologies for that wish and thanks for everything in her life.

“Who am I thanking?”

“Universe? No, light? No, parents?No, JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP”

She grunts, twists and turns. She cannot fathom the situation that is going on.

Today is saturday and Saayi can sleep, but the waking up at 6am, six out of seven days of the week have trained her mind to wake up early even on a Saturday. It is how the mind works, good or bad it tend to follow the pattern and want to keep that pattern, even the pathern that you occasionally want to break. She is 22 and she thinks she already understands adulthood. She often realizes that the saddest part of adulthood is wanting to do something, but not being able to do either because of habit or prior belief system.

The first day of her fellowship in France, she was hanging out with her work collegues. Majority of them smoked and after dinner when everyone started smoking, she got offered one. She accepted the cigratte because she wanted to smoke, but she held the cigratte and stared at it like if it was some sort of priceless art piece that she is asked to analyze. Her hand didn’t lift up to her mouth. She stood there looking at the burning cigarette and thought, “do it, just do it, do it, just once.” The offerer took the cigarette with a smile and without any remarks. She was glad. She apologized and that was that. She doesn’t want to do those things on a regular basis and she is confident on that. However, she also knows when she lays on her bed after a 17 hours day desprately trying to dive into a world which she will not remember in the morning, she thinks of cigarette, of alcohol, and of other things that she thinks might make her dive easier and faster. That’s why she knows that she should not be doing those things.

She is mad at herself because she can’t sleep in. The morning light penetrating through the cervasses of the blinds flashes her eyes with a light of thousand football stadium lights. She finally gives up and reaches for her phone, it says 6:46 am and there is a notification saying to turn off the 7am alram. She wakes up, turns off the alram, puts on her running furnishings, and goes for a run.