I am so amazed by the nature of things. Right now I am home in the comfort of my bed trying to recover from covid. I was adamant on not getting covid a single time and getting over this time period, I guess it was not possible for me. Oh well, I guess loosing one story to tell my grandkids is not such a bad thing. I have million others. As for covid, I have pretty bad sore throat and eye ache, but thankfully nothing too serious.
Anyways, right now I am on my bed, almost all my head space is focused on my recovery. Today, if things had gone by the rule, I would have to submit a big report and give a presentation which I had not even completed 50%. Yep, that is right. I simply couldn’t get myself to complete that. My brain couldn’t think at all. Many days of few hours of sleep, no excercise, just work and work, my brain just isn’t meant for that. And once I see how this all was affecting my health I don’t care if it just one last assignement I just can’t perform. All this angst doubles when I am alone. Spending time alone has done great benefit for me, but being alone when not in well head space is the worst combination for me. Everytime I hung up my parents call, I cried. I simply couldn’t understand the cause of my situation to even tell my parents. There wasn’t a specific thing that was causing any pain nor anything super bad was happening to me. I was working, doing my school work, smiling, ocassionally laughing when with others, but my mind was chaos. The nerve in my brain boiling, my inner something trying to scream every second, I would sit down to work and every time I would find myself distracted, staring into nothingness, and some time later tears running down my cheek. I would have probably gotten over it if I could wail and burst into heavy tears, but I couldn’t so it could come every now and then. I would go out for walk, but it would hit me how I have so much work to do and that just caused more pain. I don’t know what was causing all that as I am still somewhat in ripple of those events, however I have come to the point where I can at least articulate that something was happening to me. I wouldn’t be able to type this if I hadn’t gotten chance to close my eyes without any regrets because of covid. I tried to write when I was in midst of tides, but I couldn’t think I was judging myself too much. I would write couple of words and scratch the paper and lay down. Covid has given me chance to pause from whatever I was going through and reorient myself. Having covid is not a good thing and I would rather not, but boy oh boy I am almost thankful for it as it has given me chance to pause, reorient, and restart. And slowly I will reach to the shore and hopefully I will also figure out what must have caused such angst in the first place or not. I don’t know.
After some usages, my mind becomes chaotic and every now and then I need to readjust and refoucs myself otherwise I almost forget who I am. I become the energy I have around me and not all the time the energy that is around me is good for me. I have run out of words to say for now, but I am truly thankful. I keep thanking, but sometimes I have no clue who I am thanking maybe thats why people say god, but I thank my parents, my sister, my friends, and everyone who have directly or indirectly impacted my life.
Time is a wheel that never stops, so as long as I have my time I will not stop. Huffing and puffing, the goal is to keep walking, I hope you will too.
laugh, love, respect, peace, and little scream of angst cause life is not easy…
-A
souvenir 
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